Realizations

I've entered into a creative realm this evening.  It started just as I arrived home.  Sometimes meloncholic creativity hits me and sends me into a flow of surrender.  I really enjoy the process when it happens.  And it always surprises me when it does.  I can tell the difference quite well.  I can sit down at the piano one day and just play the same tunes that I've already been working on, and on another night, have three different ideas all come to me at once.  And the problem becomes a matter of dividing my attention accordingly.  Just like creativity arrives in waves, my spiritual consciousness seems to have an ebb and flow all of its own as well.  I have this song stuck in my head...it's actually a rather poppy, christian ditty, but it's sticking.  "I just want to be closer to you, I just want to be closer...I am yours, you can have anything,  everything...all of me, I just want to be closer."  And I'm glad that idea keeps popping up.  I have really felt my sense of clarity become tainted this last week.  Because I've experienced spiritual joy at various times,  I know that I am missing out when my focus is askew.  In the same way, I have become so much more in tune with the foods that give me life sustaining energy as opposed to a clogged head.  There's no going back.  I have had a genuine experience and to go back to old ways is like giving up the truth after becoming converted.  That is the battle that I am fighting.  I know what it is like to experience life in a pure form.  Sensing God in my life and feeling him intervene has effected everything.  Nothing can substitute that.  I don't want to forget the impact that God has had in my life and the ways that he has changed my perspective.  Satan is really good at convincing me that I am getting by just fine. He keeps life sustaining thoughts from entering my mind.  Pursuing a life that follows after God is not an easy task.  It is an everyday battle.  This battle continues to rage inside of me and I can feel my fingers digging into the side of the cliff, as I try to scramble back up onto the path.  I have decided that I am ok with it being difficult though.  It helps me realize that I believe faith is valuable enough to fight for.  That a relationship with God that saturates my everyday life is worth struggling after.  In those moments when I am so discouraged with myself I will remember how passionately God loves each one of us.  He doesn't give up on me.  I choose not to give up on him.