I'm reminded of Paul's words, those words that I have read somewhere in the new testament. He talks about fighting against the flesh...how he does the very things that he doesn't want to do. I'm totally with you Paul. It's been sightly more tricky than I anticipated to get back on the RAW wagon. One of my friends suggested that it was like I was standing on the high dive, preparing to jump in again. I like that analogy. It feels like I am trying to regain my composure, take a deep breath and begin again. It's kinda like those exercises that you do at the gym, where you know it is going to hurt so good. You take a breather and then jump into it again. Knowing full well that when you come out on the other side, you will pat yourself on the back for following though. That is the place that I am in right now. I want to follow through because I want to keep my word. Because I know that it is worth the energy. Because I know that it is good for me. And I'm making it harder than it needs to be. I am learning countless object lessons from my experiment with food. I am learning the depth of my attachment to certain "things" or "foods" that I think will bring me security, or make me feel better. I have gotten pretty good at watching myself from an outside perspective, almost in slow motion, going through the mental process of deciding whether to eat the food that I crave or not. It's rather humorous. It usually goes something like this...
Set the scene: There's Christina driving home after work in her car. She thinks to herself, "I don't need to eat anything else tonight. I have been snacking all day. I will just make myself a green drink and drink a lot of water this evening. Yes, that's what I'll do. (Scene changes and Christina arrives home) Oh wow! Mom made dinner! I can't turn down the meal. (Christina enjoys the home-made dish...) But she doesn't stop there. Oh no, she is on a roll once she starts. The bread longs to be toasted, the ice cream in the freezer screams out her name, the chocolate cravings set in...Long forgotten is the plan to drink water with some lemon squeezed into it. (Exit stage right.)
Yes, that about sums up the struggle. The here and now and quest for instant gratification squelches any opportunity for exercising my self-control. That is the dilemma. I'll have to make this entry a two parter.
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