I had a lot of subjects tumbling through my head this morning, but find myself feeling less than inspired after wrestling with technology for the last half hour to locate and sign onto my blogger account. This just goes to show how infrequently I am publicly sharing my musings. But I've managed to find my account and the frustration of wasted time is slowing easing off to the corners of my mind.
I get really sensitive when it comes to time; how I spend my time, how I waste my time, what I want to accomplish with my time...
A few minutes before my break through, I found myself getting more and more tense and annoyed as the minutes went by. My original intent clouded by the annoyance of wasted minutes passing. I started to feel invaded, seeing the expanse of time that I thought I had, start to shrink, wasting away. I get really growly and territorial about it actually. Ben has seen it happen; a pinched look comes over my face, my eye brows get furrowed; I am not in a huggable mood. Actually, I'm going to move on from this subject now. I'm getting more irritated as I write about wasted time. It feels like a waste of time. Ugh.
Sometimes, well actually most of the time, it is best to start where we are at. I'm talking about how we move forward, how we grow, how we inspire change within our lives. I'm talking about healing. I work in a field where this term may get expressed, but doesn't necessarily get properly explored. More often I hear, "I want things to get better,"or "I don't want it to be so hard." To me, the term "healing" has a lofty, holy sound to it. I associate "healing" with miracles, with stories that I have heard of cancer mysteriously disappearing, with alcoholics turning their lives around. I haven't had these extreme circumstances occur in my life, but I have recently started looking at the term "Healing" and how it applies in my own life. I consider myself be a person who is constantly evaluating her priorities, and looking at how to better herself. A few days ago, I had a conversation with a dear friend over Japanese food (because lots of good conversations occur in cozy corners with good food). With her wise methods, she asked me questions like, "Am I ok with accepting myself simply where I am in this moment?", and "Can I ease off of the "I should do's?" That last question stopped my in my tracks. I tell myself "I should's" all the time. I should work out consistently everyday. I should be able to figure out why my knee continues to bother me. I should be able to overcome lack of motivation to go to work.
It's constant. That's a big part of why I freak out about time so much too! I tell myself, "I should be making the most of every moment!! The world could end at any moment!!!" (Which doesn't make any sense right? Because then I suppose it wouldn't really matter either way...) It's stressful. It's counter productive. Yet I beat myself up like that all the time. How does healing come out of that kind of thinking?
I work in health care. I see people everyday who are looking for healing in their lives. And I am part of a health culture that tells people all the things that they "should do" to get better. What they should try, what they should give up, what they should be willing to do. Parents come to the clinic looking for answers because they have tried everything. They have been telling themselves all the "should do's" that they "should" perform for their children. It is exhausting. I wonder if for the most part, if this quest for healing is pursued in all the wrong ways. Yes, of course, we want things to be better, to be less painful, to be happier. But I wonder what it would look like if we could answer the question, "Can I accept where I am in this moment?" That is where the cryptic and mysterious nature of healing comes into play. In those moments where acceptance and peace reign, perhaps healing can grow in our lives.