My version of peace

My version of peace

Thursday, June 16, 2011

How to catch curve balls

Human adaptation.  Bones that grow and heal themselves, perhaps morphing into a different shape or outgrowth, but none-the-less repairing themselves.  That is what I keep telling myself that my toe must be doing.  It's up to something down there.  Probably no good, but I like to think that I can be my own doctor.  I'm not eager to pay a visit to the ER for my pinky toe.  So I'm deciding to wait it out.  And the song runs through my head singing, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone..."
It's amazing how far you can get in a conversation with someone by mentioning that you have broken something.  Even if it is just a pinky toe.  Yesterday a few members of the group that I was hanging out with misheard and thought that I had broken the big toe.  The misinterpreted information was corrected near the end of our gathering, but I think it made the conversational part of the interaction much more engaging.  Think of it...the big toe!  And there I was describing how I had done my own buddy taping and everything, and was not going to get it checked out!  What an exciting life.
So I return to the topic that has captured my thoughts for the past few days.  I'm recalling the frame of mind that I was in yesterday because once again, I have changed today and it's hard to remember  where I left off.  It's like trying to find your place again in a book that you didn't use a bookmark to mark your place.  Plus the weather is entirely different today and that changes everything.
So...let's check in with Christina this morning.  I'm feeling hopeful...slightly anxious...fighting the drop effect that the coffee I decided to drink is providing me...I'm working to hold onto inspiration...  This is because I crave the "flow" feeling that only occurs when I am engaged in a task that takes all my attention for that moment in time.  When "flow" occurs, I am not focused on those "feelings" that take up  brain space and leave little room for productivity.  At least that is how I observe the impact of my feelings to be from an objective standpoint.  And it is here in this moment as I write that statement that I realize that I am judging the presence of those feelings.  It's funny.  I hear people refer to themselves as rational...logical control of their feelings...but when it really comes down to it, am I not still basing the decisions that I make on how I feel or don't want to feel?  When I hear a person say that they don't let their emotions get in the way during times of stress or sadness, are they not still basing their decision on the presence of emotion?  They change their behavior with the intent of avoiding the experience that they associate with the emotion.  Hmmm...  A lot of the time when a person is considered "emotional," automatic judgements come to mind about the person's strength of mind or stability...  I might insert here another way of looking at the idea of "letting emotions take over."  It could be considered instead as an act of bravery.  An act of heroism that confronts the feelings that a particular situation evokes and allows them room to exist.  Rather than negating the presence of emotion, and in a sense running away while standing still, the so-called feeing person demonstrates their skills in the midst of the battlefield.  In the presence of loneliness, anger, sadness, and despair, they wrestle with the giants and find clever ways to insert happiness into their existence.  I'm just saying...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Mind games

I've changed my mind several times since April 12.  I don't even think I'm the same person anymore.  Consistency is not my middle name.  (I would not want to admit that on a job application...)  It occurred to me last night in the midst of conversation between friends, that I've been on auto pilot.  This is evidenced by several symptoms.  One of them being that I have utterly failed to keep up my blog writing habits.  Although, technically I didn't pass the 21 day minimum for habit formation and therefore I can blame human nature for that one.
It's funny to me how (and anyone is free to correct me if I am wrong,) as human beings we spend so much time thinking about what we need to change about ourselves.  This has been on the forefront of my agenda for an unspecified amount of time.  For example, I made a goal to myself that I would eat RAW for an entire year.  I have long since fallen off that wagon.  So much so that I have swung to the other end of the spectrum...experimenting in the meat department.  I did not see that outcome coming.  I suppose the larger the risk you take, or change you make, the more dramatic the fall back can look when the momentum declines. I've tried not to put an agenda on my goal setting, because life changes all the time and I want to keep my adaptation skills sharp.
In the spirit of moving on and shaking off the dust from my sandals, I would like to leave old forgotten goals behind and take on the heartier challenge of embracing myself as I am.  This proves to be a most daunting task all of its own.  Stripping off all the would be's, should be's, am trying to be's...  It is here that we see ourselves in our present form.  Just quietly observing what we are.  Not putting any expectations around it.  (whoops...this is turning into a "mindfulness" session...)
What a natural way to live.  I'm going to have to return to this idea of observing myself, rather than trying to change myself.  There are several ethical, spiritual, and philosophical questions that it poses.  How does that effect my overall spiritual view?  How does it effect my view of myself as a Christian?  How does it effect my view of people's ability to change their behavior and become either better or worse?  And so the questioning the mind the story goes.